"Listening is the oldest and perhaps the most powerful tool of healing. It is often through the quality of our listening and not the wisdom of our words that we are able to effect the most profound changes in the people around us." — Rachel Naomi Remen

We all know what it feels like to be unheard. To speak and realize the person in front of us is only half-listening, already forming their next response or distracted by something else. In those moments, we feel invisible, disconnected—not fully seen.

And yet, we also know the profound relief of being genuinely heard. Sharing something vulnerable and feeling someone hold our words with care, without rushing to fix, judge, or redirect, creates a deep sense of safety and belonging.

Listening—real listening—is one of the most powerful gifts we can offer. It is, in essence, an act of love.

My Own Journey with Listening

Growing up, I often felt different—and rarely truly heard. I carried a quiet story inside me that no one really understood who I was. That belief made me feel isolated, unseen, and eventually caused me to shut down. I stopped sharing my truth, because—what was the point, if no one could really understand it?

It wasn’t until much later, while serving as a Foreign Area Officer working for Africa Command in Stuttgart, Germany, that I began to reclaim my voice. As I grew in confidence professionally and my voice began to carry weight with senior leaders—generals, ambassadors, policymakers—I started to trust that what I had to say mattered. And that my voice was worthy of being hear not only professionally, but also personally. That the essence of who I was, beyond just my performance or rank, was valuable and worth sharing.

Through therapy, coaching, and my own deep inner work as I stepped out on the path of becoming a therapeutic practitioner myself, I learned not just to speak my truth—but to listen. To others, and also to myself. I learned that relationships can be built on more than just words; they can be anchored in presence, emotion, and energy. And I learned to let go of needing to be fully understood, and instead to honor my own authenticity while respecting the sovereignty of others.

Now, I can look back at my younger self with compassion. I understand why she sometimes over-explained, or came in hot trying to prove a point. Those were protective instincts guarding the wounded parts of me. Today, I feel integrated and whole. And when those parts still show up now and then—as they do—I can meet them with tenderness and presence.

This is the power of deep listening. It’s what helped me come home to myself.

The Healing Power of Being Heard

Many of us carry parts of ourselves that feel unseen, unacknowledged—pieces of our past, our emotions, our pain, or even our joy that have never been fully witnessed. As Remen so beautifully puts it, “Our listening creates sanctuary for the homeless parts within the other person.”

When someone listens generously, without interruption or agenda, something shifts inside of us. The unspoken finds a voice. The fragmented becomes whole. The burden we didn’t even realize we were carrying feels a little lighter.

This explains the transformative potential of therapy and coaching—not because practitioners possess all the answers, but because they create a space in which we can deeply hear ourselves. In their listening, we begin to unravel our own truths. We begin to trust our own wisdom.

And yet, we don’t need to be therapists or trained facilitators to offer this gift to one another. Each of us, in our daily interactions, has opportunities to practice this form of healing with the people around us.

Bringing Deep Listening Into Everyday Life

What if we approached our conversations as opportunities to make others feel seen? What if, instead of listening just to respond, we listened to understand?

Here are practical ways to cultivate deeper listening:

• Pause before responding. Let there be space in the conversation. Don’t rush to fill the silence—sometimes, that’s where the most profound truths emerge.

• Reflect back what you hear. Simple phrases like “It sounds like you’re feeling…” or “What I’m hearing is…” helps others feel validated and truly understood.

• Resist the urge to fix. Often, when someone shares something painful, we want to offer advice or solutions. But most of the time, they don’t need fixing—they just need to be heard.

• Be present. Put away distractions. Offer eye contact and genuine attention. Let the person speaking know, through your presence, that they matter.

Listening as a Path to Connection

Deep listening doesn’t just transform the person being heard—it transforms the listener as well. When we listen with our whole being, we become more attuned to the quiet truths beneath the words. We start to recognize ourselves in others. The illusion of separation softens.

Remen poignantly captures this: "And in the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone."

Imagine a world where we all listened this way—to our friends, our partners, our children, our communities. Imagine the healing that could unfold simply by allowing each other to be heard.

So, who in your life needs to be listened to today? And how might you offer them the sanctuary of your genuine presence?

Here is Rachel Naomi Remen's full quote, in all its beauty. It's one I often both share, and return to myself.

"Listening is the oldest and perhaps the most powerful tool of healing. It is often through the quality of our listening and not the wisdom of our words that we are able to effect the most profound changes in the people around us. When we listen, we offer with our attention an opportunity for wholeness. Our listening creates sanctuary for the homeless parts within the other person. That which has been denied, unloved, devalued by themselves and others. That which is hidden. In this culture, the soul and the heart too often go homeless. Listening creates a holy silence. When you listen generously to people, they can hear truth in themselves, often for the first time. And in the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone. Eventually, you may be able to hear, in everyone and beyond everyone, the unseen singing softly to itself and to you.” — Rachel Naomi Remen

Resources for Deep Listening and Relational Presence

If this piece resonated with you and you’re feeling called to explore the art of deep listening more intentionally, the resources below are a great place to begin. Whether you’re seeking to improve your communication, build more authentic relationships, or simply offer deeper presence in your daily life, these books, trainings, and tools can support your journey.

As an Authentic Relating facilitator, I also guide individuals and small groups in these practices. If you're curious to learn more—or simply want a space where you can be deeply heard—feel free to reach out. It would be an honor to connect.

📚 Books on Deep Listening & Relational Practice

• Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen ➤ Link to book Remen’s storytelling reminds us of the sacred nature of listening and human connection. A foundational read for anyone exploring healing presence.

• The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols ➤ Link to book A practical and insightful guide to improving the quality of your listening in all types of relationships.

• You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy ➤ Link to book A journalist’s deep dive into the science and soul of listening, complete with fresh research and entertaining stories.

• Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future by Margaret J. Wheatley ➤ Link to book Explores how dialogue can foster community, healing, and resilience in uncertain times.

• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg ➤ Link to book A cornerstone book for cultivating empathy and compassionate communication.

🌀 Trainings & Communities

• Authentic Relating International ➤ https://authenticrelating.co Offers online and in-person workshops and facilitator trainings in Authentic Relating practices, which cultivate presence, empathy, and truth-telling designed to enhance deep connection and communication skills in real-time relationships.

• Beyond Us & Them ➤ https://beyondusandthem.org/ Focuses on training individuals and groups to practice “council,” a deep listening and speaking practice rooted in indigenous and contemplative traditions.

• The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC)➤ https://www.cnvc.org Offers training, certification, and community-building opportunities in Nonviolent Communication, a practice developed by Marshall Rosenberg that emphasizes compassionate, needs-based communication. NVC supports listening with empathy and expressing oneself with clarity and care—foundational tools for relational healing.

🎧 Podcasts & Talks

• On Being with Krista Tippett ➤ https://onbeing.org/series/podcast/ A treasure trove of intimate, listening-based interviews with spiritual leaders, scientists, poets, and more.

• The Art of Listening ➤ Listen here Led by Eileen Dunn, a seasoned clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, The Art of Listening explores the transformative power within the space between speaker and listener.

🧘 Practices to Deepen Listening

• Insight Timer App ➤ https://insighttimer.com Guided meditations and soundscapes that help cultivate presence and attunement—core skills for listening.

• "Just Like Me" Practice (from Compassion Cultivation Training) A reflective practice to foster empathy: ➤ Guided version via Greater Good Science Center